HTTYD Crazy Shorts
by EquinoxKnight01
Summary: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Controlled crazed laughter ensues. *Snorts* That was an oxymoron. This is part of my goal, read my profile for an explanation.
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N CAT FIGHT! Err, whatever it's called when a sexy Valkyrie and transformed dragon fight over poor Hiccup in the middle. Don't ask for a EPIC back story for why Toothtless a sexy Slytherin is what she is now, just think of the AllSpark making her transform. Had the idea when I was actually reading about some horny Toothless and submissive Hiccup. I'm just going to write a short idea I had while I was reading it. XD Don't ask for the title either! I'm hopeless… T_T**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HTTYD. The stupidity you're about to read is non-profit.**

Toothless raised a newly acquired eyebrow. Her transformation change her all of her features, her hair was black with blue and black bangs hanging next to the both sides of her face, 36 24 36! An ideal body type for any sane man, and her teeth were smaller but still had her incisors sharp as always. Her eyes were still green but a deeper hue like Hiccup's own emeralds. Toothless, Silas nowadays since she transformed, was glaring at the only other female in the room. A certain blonde that assumed to that Hiccup was hers before Toothless even crashed down to the Village of Berk.

"Step down, _now._" Silas' eyes ignited with a determined fire. Determined to do whatever was necessary to shut any challengers for her mate down.

"Or what? You can't breath fire in this form can you?" Astrid Hofferson questioned, crossing her arms, smirking.

"Don't flatter yourself." Silas leaned back from her glare and flipped her lengthy black hair. "I don't need fire to take down a Neanderthal like you." Silas gave a toothy grin at Astrid's angry face.

"Excuse me?" Astrid seethed.

"You're excused. The door is over there." Silas pointed a pointy nail towards the exit of Hiccup's house.

"Don't let the door hit _you_ on the way out then."

"Please, I the one that actually lives here. You just came barging in here trying to take my Hiccup away for your own perverted clutches."

"What? I just wanted him to fix my axe! Keep your own perverted mind out of this..." Astrid said that last part blushing a little, as if she's been found out. So what if she liked to see Hiccup slaving over a purposely broken axe, shirtless, sweating, shirtless!

"Yeah, said axe has been coming over here everyday needing to be fixed. An idiot can see that it's your ass that keeps coming back for Hiccup attention."

"You're one to talk. When you transformed all your dragon mass went directly to your ass! You're probably swaying it back to forth everyday in front of Hiccup!"

_Oh snap! _Hiccup thought. He was off to the side, thinking of how to diffuse the situation. But that last jab probably went to far. Though true, Hiccup wasn't complaining. _Shoot, what's with all these nosebleeds today!_

"Girrrrrrrl, you getting it now!" Silas said, taking off her earrings. Then she reached inside her shirt, one of my shirts that I let her borrow, to release her bindings. She took them off and threw them aside.

Hiccup jumped up and caught them, folding them up neatly and placing them up on the dining room table, which was actually the Round Table, behind him. Then turned back to the strange fight.

"Bring it on!" Astrid accepted the challenge, unbuckling her skull belt. Then she shimmied out of her skirt, also throwing it to the side.

Instead of Hiccup catching it to fold, Sir Raven flew in to catch it with his beak. He landed on the other side of the dining table. He draped Astrid skull shirt over his head.

"THE ORDER IS RESTORED!" Sir Raven screamed confirming the universe's status, sitting down next to the Round Table stroking his ascot and smoking his bubble cigar.

Hiccup did a military gun show to greet Sir Raven. Then skipped to the kitchen. After a few minutes he came back out with tea and sandwiches.

"Ah ha hah ha! Good show, jolly good show Hiccup!" Sir Raven thanked Hiccup for the refreshments. Then he picked up a small club sandwich, flicking his pinkie out politely as lightning struck outside. "Although, I fancy Fruit Loops at this time of day!"

"I prefer ungrateful roasted ravens at this time of the day! Any more statements from you, Sir Raven?" Hiccup shot a wicked grin at the pompous thunder chicken.

"Mother? Is that you?" Sir Raven asked Hiccup, but Hiccup was distracted by the fight. Sir Raven tuned in to the fight between the females.

"Take that!" Silas swept Astrid's legs from under her.

On that instant, Megatron blew up a hole in the ceiling and landed inside the Haddock household, guns blazing. He pointed his cannon towards Hiccup. "Are you LadiesMan217-" Megatron cut himself short as Astrid was not wearing her bottom bindings.

Hiccup, Sir Raven, and Megatron donned their sunglasses and said at the same time. "Dat Ass!"

When the moment passed, Megatron sat down and grabbed a sandwich with a cup of Jack Daniels Tea, his original mission forgotten. "Pass the soy sauce, Mofo."

Sir Raven passed it and looked back to the Mayweather Silas vs. whoever mayweather was fighting in said match Astrid. A pool of whip cream came out of no where and the fight continued as Yen Sid appeared and made it rain whip cream.

Porky Pig looked at you, the Readers. "Get you mind out of the gutter! Fucking horny teenagers!" He yelled at you before taking his seat at the Round Table.

Then the Hungry Games went on.

Astrid straddled Silas and tried drowning her in the whip cream, but her hands were too slippery and Astrid slipped and fell on top of Silas. With Silas struggling below and Astrid trying to sit up straight, it looked like provocative rubbing. The whip cream did nothing stop everyone's gutter thinking.

"Looks like things are starting to get interesting…" A mysterious voice spoke from the other end of the table.

Everybody sitting at the table turned around to see whom it was a the end of the table. None other than Samuria Jack himself!

Megatron bumped fist with him. "How'd you acquire a space bridge to get here, Jackie?"

Jack shook his head. "I didn't need a space bridge."

"Then how did you get here? By using the Bifrost?"

Jack shook his head. "No, jump good."

Everyone at the table nodded and bowed down to the epicness that is "jump good". Then they went back to the show.

Silas pushed Astrid off of her and tried getting up herself, only to fail just like Astrid.

"Ungh!" Astrid got her legs tangled with Silas' legs. She knew that trying to pull away from a tangled situation would only make it worse, so instead she pushed herself closer to Silas. Her whispering eye blinded by the whip cream everywhere then invaded by Silas' own.

The Annoying Orange made a brief appearance but was promptly squashed by Megatron's hand. Everyone looked at the Decepticon Leader for an explanation.

"Hell no. That much stupidity would kill us all the moment that fruit boy spoke."

Every nodded in agreement and looked back to the fight.

Silas was confused at why Astrid was in heat all the sudden but waved it off. Silas grew her wings out and trying flapping them to give her the air advantage but they were sticky and wouldn't work effectively. Silas huffed and crossed her arms over her sweet chest. She grabbed her right wing and started licking off the whip cream, slowly.

Gaara appeared and tried walking in through the front door, but Yen Sid stopped him. "You are too young, fool ya fool!"

"But I brought chocolate syrup." Indeed he did. Gaara handed the bottle to Yen Sid. Gaara was granted access and he walked in and took the second to last chair of the Round Table.

"Yen Sid began chanting the spell. "In Brightest Day, in blackest Night… No evil shall escape my sight… Let all who worship Evil's might… Beware my POWER, GREEN LANTERNS LIGHT!"

The bottle that was simply floating in the air above the girls imploded. Chocolate syrup splattered all over the walls and floor, completely missing the girls.

"Seriously?" Hiccup looked into a bottle that held the Black Pearl, the monkey face palmed. "The monkey could've done a better job!"

Yen Sid bowed his head in shame as he returned to his seat.

Gaara wiped the chocolate from his face and licked his hand. _Nothing. _

The door exploded and the crazy Chocolate Guy from Spongebob Squarepants screamed. "CHOCOLATE!"

"Dafuq?" Megatron asked.

The Chocolate Guy looked at the scene and was about to pounce on a puddle of chocolate in the corner of the room, but then he saw Astrid and Silas "fighting" and put up his middle finger, a Purity ring on it. "Sorry, maybe in my next Avatar reincarnation." Then he closed the door behind.

Equinox, the agent of order and chaos, beamed down in the middle of the table. "Remember kiddies… The mind is a horrible thing to lose!" I said, giving a Maito Gai-sensei thumbs-up. A "THE MORE YOU KNOW" sign exploded over EquinoxKnight01.

End.

**(A/N Don't ask! I guess you could, and I would answer anyway. But come on, you knew this was a crazy crack story when you read the word "AllSpark"!**


	2. Creepy Astrid

**Yea, yea… I know I'm supposed to be writing the next chapter of "Oh My Gods" and "Avatar Orion", but I also have to study the Tuskegee Airmen for my other story "Red-Tailed Seekers". And since I just took my SATs last Saturday, I know have a lot of free time before I have to apply for a… JOB! *Gasps* If teenagers can still get them anymore. Anyway, I got "distracted" with this idea that I'm just going to put in "HTTYD Crazy-Ass Shorts". To be completely honest, it's an Astrid related thought. Yea, you read the first crazy as hell Chapter 1, but this is just creeping my the f*** out. (Notice how I'm still censoring my words even though it's a "M" story. FanFiction is cracking down on the ratings. Maybe FF got bought by Disney? Who knows.) Bleh, back to what I actually wanted to say… Uh, right. Creepy Astrid dancing. Alright, picture Astrid from when she just threw her water bucket into the fire and had "that" facial expression. You know, smiling and lowering her eyelids…? Meh, now listen to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO instrumental. Bob your head to the beat and have the still picture of Astrid like I described. You got it? Okay, now have Astrid started sashaying her hips and just swinging them side to side in place as you have the music playing in the background. It'll take a few seconds, but it WILL get creepy as hell sooner or later. Maybe if I post this, I'll be able to stop the night terrors I've been having lately. **

**What are you doing? There's nothing else… This is it, this is Chapter 2. My crazy mind spawned a incredibly stupid idea, here you go. Enjoy and laugh at my pain. **


	3. Epic Marriage Battle

**(A/N "So here's another chapter to 'HTTYD Crazy Shorts!'! I hope you-"**

**Readers of "Oh My Gods!": "WTF? Why are you even continuing to write this mess?"**

**Equinox: "Because I can do whatever the faq I want?"**

**Readers: "That's cute! What's the real reason?"**

**SmexyEquinox: "Wanna see me get adorable?" ^_^**

**Readers: "Nah, we want to read the next chapter after you troll faced us and thought it was funny to leave a cliffhanger at the end of Chapter 16! But NOOOO, you start up this craziness, literally."**

**ShirtlessEquinox: "Would you rather I include one of my crazy ideas in "Oh My Gods" and accidentally give my readers a "this is too stupid to comprehend" seizure?" **

**Readers: "Please continue with this fine piece of penmanship…" **

**DonnedSunGlassesEquinox: "Word up, son! Time to make some noise! Y'all gonna learn today!" **

**Disclaimer: This story is non-profit. I do not own HTTYD. **

Astrid and I walked into the church house of Berk nervous and jittery. We both decided it was time to go to the next level and marry. And it surprisingly took Astrid longer to work up the nerve to join me in making an appointment with the Village Preacher.

"Oh look, no one's here. Maybe we should come back later!" Astrid quickly said before turning on her heel.

"Astrid…" I grabbed her waist and brought her back inside. "I know you're nervous but don't be. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If you love me, you'll calm down so we can schedule our wedding in the Preacher's book."

"Okay." Astrid sighed. "Thanks, Hiccup."

"Of course. Ready?" I put my arm out for her to loop her arm in mine.

Astrid smiled faintly and hooked her arm in mine. "Yeah." She said as we proceeded to walk down the aisle between the pews.

"Hello? Are you in, Morgan?" I called out loud enough to signal that the church had visitors.

"W-we want to schedule a wedding da-!" Astrid was interrupted by a blood-curdling scream originating from the back of the church.

"HUAHHHHHH!"

The both of us stiffened, our eyes as wide as dinner plates as we stared directly at the backdoor to the church. After a few eternal seconds, I was about to usher Astrid to hide in one of the pews so I could investigate.

But then the backdoor was kicked open and none other than Morgan the Preacher stormed out. He had the both of his index fingers crossed into a cross and pointed towards the backroom while backing away from it.

"Morgan?" I tried.

But he continued as if he didn't hear me.

"LET THE POWER OF ODIN COMPEL YOU, SPAWN OF THE DEMONS!" Morgan yelled at the ajar backdoor.

Astrid and I shared a strange look. _WTF?_

Morgan backed up even more, not taking his eyes off the door, and reached behind him to grab a chalice. He side stepped until he came to the Holy Water fountain. He dipped the chalice and gathered water inside. Now with a full cup, he simply threw it's contents at the door. "BEGONE NOW, EVIL SPIRITS! YOU WILL NO LONGER PLAGUE MY BACKSIDE ANYMORE!"

My hand was hovering my sword at this point.

Morgan seemed satisfied and then he turned around with a surprised blink of his eyes. "Why, hello Hiccup. What can I do for you and Astrid today?"

I flipped him the bird for scaring the crap out of me and then acting like nothing happened. Morgan gasped, putting his pinkie finger to his chin. "What the hell just happened in the backroom, Morgan? You scared the virginity out of me screaming like that in a church!" I screamed at him while grabbing my package and shaking it up and down with my scrunched up stink face.

"Yo, Mighty knows his shit son!" Astrid squeaked from behind a row of pews.

"Oh! You must be referring to a few moments ago, yes?" Morgan asked. Me and my boo nodded our heads to the "Party up" song blasting in the church the whole time.

"Yes, I just got done err. Uh…"

"Am I gonna have to make some noise or are you going to find the appropriate euphemism for what the fuck you did in there?" I brought my bison whistle to my lips.

"That won't be necessary, butthead. I was going to say that I simply… took a dump." Morgan blushed a deep red as if he was talking to Naruto-kun when I unsheathed Zangetsu. By then and then he fainted when I yelled "Bankai!".

"Ah HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Astrid was on the floor laughing, all of her previous nervousness completely evaporated.

"Dafuq?" Zangetsu looked over his master's mistress rolling on the ground laughing.

"Y'all gonna learn today!" DMX yelled as he kicked the doors to the church down. Yoda was riding on his back.

Yoda hopped off and waddled over to the unconscious Morgan. Then he cleared his throat. ""_So whatever it is you puffin' on that got you think that you Superman_

_I got the Kryptonite, should I smack him with my dick and the mic?_

_Y'all niggas is characters, not even good actors_

_What's gon' be the outcome?_

_Hmm, let's add up all the factors,"_

I snorted. That was a big mistake.

Yoda turned to him to give him some old school lessons.

"_You wack, you're twisted, your girl's a hoe_

_You're broke, the kid ain't yours, and e'rybody know_

_Your old man say you stupid, you be like,_

_'So? I love my baby mother, I never let her go!'_"

I glared down hard at the green troll face. "Aw hell nah! Yo, my partner gonna help me stomp the yard on your goose steppin' ass!" I blew my whistle. Then I cupped my hands over my mouth. "SHAZAAM!"

The lightning bolt came down and Toothless swept the smoke away with his wings. But it wasn't Toothless that I summoned, it was the man riding him.

Byakuya Kuchiki.

"BOOYAKA BOOYAKA UP IN HERE, UP IN HERE!" He hopped off Toothless and bumped fist with me.

"Sorry to bring ya out hurr at this hour, but this mofo needs to be taught a lesson from his elders." I put my hands together in a apologetic manner.

Byakuya smacked me upside the head. "Screw that formal shit! Anything for my uncle in law!"

"Word. Let's stomp the yard."

Yoda stood there at the top of the steps with his cane, fronting like a punk. Before Byakuya and I could make some noise up in the holy sanctum, Yoda brought his cane down with a loud thump.

Afro Samurai, Huey Freeman, and Mace Windu appeared by jumping through the stained glass.

"Is it Christmas already?" Huey glared down at morons in front of him, turning on his electric gloves and unsheathing his katana.

"It must be. We've got three fools looking like they need to get beat down." Afro cracked his knuckles. Then he tightened his Number #1 headband.

"Y'all gonna learn today…" Jedi Master Mace Windu confirmed, pulling out and activating his purple light saber.

"Now I'm certain you need to check yourselves into the nearest hospital…" I said clawing the air in front of my face. A Hollow mask appeared.

"Time to make some noise." Byakuya said, dropping his sword to the ground where it disappeared into the ground. As it dissolved into the floor, he gave the bird to his opponents. "_Scatter."_

"Now we can get this party started."

I looked backwards to see none other than my best friend. "Ain't a party 'til you come Leo Struttin' in."

"Ride-or-die homie all day err day!" Starkiller bumped fists with me.

"Now that your boy band is all here, can we get this over with already?" Huey asked with his usual scowl.

"Faggot boy hater…" I purposely let some of my power leak out, the usual result of my killing intent would give orgasms to any females nearby.

Master Windu snorted. "That didn't even tickle, Beiber."

"Aw shit! It's on!" I waved my hands to begin the charge with my crew.

"One foot in the grave, the other on a banana peel you have, mofos." Yoda said as he nodded his head to commence the epic ass whooping battle of a lifetime.

THUNDER!

Before they clashed, the roof to the church blew off and a very angry black cloud gathered overhead. "BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!" The cloud's words were censored with bleeps. The cloud formed a confused expression somehow. "WHAT THE *BLEEP* IS WRONG WITH MY SPEECH?" The cloud got pissed and it started to drizzle a little. "GET THE *BLEEP* DOWN THERE AND FIX THIS, EQUINOX!"

A lightning strike struck down in the middle of the church. "OH, LOOK AT THE TIME!" EquinoxKnight01 looked at his wrist. "I'M A FUCKING BIRD!"

Then I woke up from my dream. I didn't know why I was on the floor. I looked up and rubbed my eyes. "SHIT!" I jumped back. There was a tiger in the living room!

"Is this a hangover or something?"

"Baby, what are you yelling about so early in the morning for?"

I turned around to see George Takei laying down next to me. "What dafuq happened last night."

"Oooh my!" George said in a deep voice.

**(A/N It is definitely time for bed! Good night, my now possibly corrupted readers! **


End file.
